This wasn’t even a real party. And if it was, you couldn’t come anyway - you’re not cool enough.
There's a band in Ottawa called The New Swears. An amalgamation of words like fuck, cunt, cock, slut, piss, shit, damn and darn. All those swears were too long, so they just shortened it to Swears instead. Plus, it’s new, hence “New” swears. It’s not hard to figure out if you try.
These New Swearers threw a party at a place called “Party Boy Funhouse.” There are no fun parties in Ottawa ‘cause it’s for boring government workers and Lebanese shawarma sandwich shoppes but the Swears assured me the Funhouse was different.
Okay cool, so now that we have all of our bases covered, let’s go to a party only for cool guys. Please remember, before you think about coming to this party, you must remember that you cannot come to this cool guy party. It’s not even a real party!
I guess I'm an asshole cause they didn’t invite me back.
Nevertheless, if it was a real party and not a pipe dream then it might just have been the best underground scene I've ever Uncovered in Ottawa.
Ottawa hasn't produced something so fantastical since the Tom Green.
Written and Photographed by Steffi