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Ottawa
ON
Canada

Ottawa Uncovered.

The New Swears Aren't The Old Swears

Stories

Lex Magazine Ottawa blog. Ottawa Uncovered.

The New Swears Aren't The Old Swears

Lex Magazine

This wasn’t even a real party. And if it was, you couldn’t come anyway - you’re not cool enough.

There's a band in Ottawa called The New Swears. An amalgamation of words like fuck, cunt, cock, slut, piss, shit, damn and darn. All those swears were too long, so they just shortened it to Swears instead. Plus, it’s new, hence “New” swears. It’s not hard to figure out if you try.

These New Swearers threw a party at a place called “Party Boy Funhouse.” There are no fun parties in Ottawa ‘cause it’s for boring government workers and Lebanese shawarma sandwich shoppes but the Swears assured me the Funhouse was different.

Okay cool, so now that we have all of our bases covered, let’s go to a party only for cool guys. Please remember, before you think about coming to this party, you must remember that you cannot come to this cool guy party. It’s not even a real party!

You already forgot the first rule of party club! You can't even come to party club mister. 

You already forgot the first rule of party club! You can't even come to party club mister. 

PBR was reasonably priced. 

PBR was reasonably priced. 

 Plan your next vacation in this basement, they say its like paradise.

 Plan your next vacation in this basement, they say its like paradise.

I was gonna sing but got stage fright and pee came out, when I woke up the bed was moist.

I was gonna sing but got stage fright and pee came out, when I woke up the bed was moist.

"What colour is my jacket? purple? okay cool just checkin."

"What colour is my jacket? purple? okay cool just checkin."

He's such a dream.

He's such a dream.

 He sang sweet nothings to him, in a soft, tender moment.

 He sang sweet nothings to him, in a soft, tender moment.

 If you fall down rest assured friends are there to lift you back up.

 If you fall down rest assured friends are there to lift you back up.

Some guys wear dresses but they still like to drink from a shotgun.

Some guys wear dresses but they still like to drink from a shotgun.

If you wear mom pants make sure to have a nice bum.

If you wear mom pants make sure to have a nice bum.

 There was drugs and beer cans with pretty ladies on them.

 There was drugs and beer cans with pretty ladies on them.

 Santa brought cheetos and christmas lights for the guests, thakns santa!

 Santa brought cheetos and christmas lights for the guests, thakns santa!

Recycling comes on Fridays.

Recycling comes on Fridays.

I broke up with my GF cause she was frumpy.

I broke up with my GF cause she was frumpy.

My new GF had these cool pants so she was better than my cranky ex.

My new GF had these cool pants so she was better than my cranky ex.

 Some people had mustaches and some had short bagnes.

 Some people had mustaches and some had short bagnes.

Tatoos are really cool and especially cool on knuckles.

Tatoos are really cool and especially cool on knuckles.

Hey cool guy!

Hey cool guy!

Cool down cool guy! You're gonna dehydrate yourself!

Cool down cool guy! You're gonna dehydrate yourself!

Sometimes its fun to let your hair down and get wet.

Sometimes its fun to let your hair down and get wet.

DJs are cool i guess.

DJs are cool i guess.

Bad posture, bad attitudes and cell phones are forbidden in the fun house.

Bad posture, bad attitudes and cell phones are forbidden in the fun house.

At this party there were no bathroms so we had to improvise.

At this party there were no bathroms so we had to improvise.

There were cowboys at the Funhouse.

There were cowboys at the Funhouse.

I wonder who his GF was, what a hunk.

I wonder who his GF was, what a hunk.

In some countries such a lewd act would get you stoned to death but not here.

In some countries such a lewd act would get you stoned to death but not here.

 I stood on top of a fridge so i was taller than everyone else.

 I stood on top of a fridge so i was taller than everyone else.

 Being on a fridge is fun cause it makes you taller.

 Being on a fridge is fun cause it makes you taller.

Your hat is backwards! whoops

Your hat is backwards! whoops

A lot of art is boring but this kitchen art was not boring.

A lot of art is boring but this kitchen art was not boring.

I tried to go upstairs but they wouldn't let me. you have to be really really really cool to get up there!

I tried to go upstairs but they wouldn't let me. you have to be really really really cool to get up there!

I guess I'm an asshole cause they didn’t invite me back.

Nevertheless, if it was a real party and not a pipe dream then it might just have been the best underground scene I've ever Uncovered in Ottawa. 

If you haven't checked out yet The New Swears yet, you. probably. should

Ottawa hasn't produced something so fantastical since the Tom Green.

Written and Photographed by Steffi