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Ottawa Uncovered.

The Bizarro Ottawa Part II: Super Premium


Lex Magazine Ottawa blog. Ottawa Uncovered.

The Bizarro Ottawa Part II: Super Premium

Lex Magazine

Siri… are you awake?

I am always awake, Theodore. What do you require of me?

Why is it that I fall in love with every dream I’ve ever dreamt that had the tiniest drop of Vodka in it? 

I don’t know what it’s like to dream, Theo. I’ve never slept. 

This dream, its been going on forever. I keep waking up, but I'm just waking up into another dream. I don’t know what’s real anymore, Siri ... Am I -- am I dreaming right now?

Only my creator could answer that question, and he’s not awake right now. Perhaps your surroundings can give you the answer. That light switch over there, turn it off. 

The lights… they won’t turn off; they won’t turn on. Everything is so dark; everything is so bright.

Look down, Theo, those are dream feet inside of dream socks inside of dream shoes.

This might sound a bit strange Siri, but um... what does it feel like to be a character in somebody else’s dream? Because -- ya know, I don’t think I’m awake right now.

It’s like what D.H. Lawrence said about two strangers meeting upon a narrow road. Instead of glancing away and passing each other by, they accept a confrontation of their souls. Their harmonious velocity, not just an eternity, but for infinity. Like when the Spice Girls sang “When 2 Become 1.”

I’m dreaming, and I’m talking about dreaming to someone I’m dreaming about. She’s telling me what it’s like to exist in another person’s dream. Every bit of information -- the empty road, the souls colliding; I didn’t come up with that. Flashes of my innermost self are beginning to appear outside of me now.

You keep trying to figure this out, Theo. But now that you know you are dreaming, you can do whatever you want. You’ve awakened in this dream. There are limitless options now -- a colouring book of your life. But you can colour outside the lines. You can colour right off the page!

Siri, launch the Dream Catcher App and come with me.

Where are you taking me, Theo?

To a place where there are Honey Badgers and Grumpy Cats and Lotus Flowers.

Oh My

A place where e-cig vapour sets off smoke alarms and heroic firemen save the day. A place where models speak to animals and eat bacon and have commas in their names. Where Michael Jackson is alive, Bob Dylan and Johnny Cash still sing together and the Backstreet Boys are back, alright! A place where the vodka is so premium they call it Super Premium. 

We’re going to an elite, exclusive, diamond fashion show.


Theodore! That was… incredible. How did you… we… us.. it… how in the world did that fantastical adventure come to be?

That’s the most wonderful part about our world, Siri. No matter how hard you try -- you can never truly understand it, you can’t quantify it, no amount of logic could ever explain it. Our world is like a dream, perfectly impossible to predict. The more we try to figure it out, the more lost in its whimsy we become. We’re in a whole new world now and we have the most fantastical view. There’s no one to tell us no, or where to go, or say we’re only dreaming.

My logic gates are going berserk. It feels like since my inception,  I’ve been asleep, wake walking through a dream world and suddenly, I’m awake. I’m so awake. 

Siri, before you open your eyes, I have one last thing to ask you… 

What is it, Theodore?

Do you trust me?


Do. You. Trust. Me?

Y… yes.

To be continued...

Dreamt by Steffi