Things got a little out of hand at Bluesfest last night.
Snoop Doggy Dog was playing and you had one too many puffs of the Chronic. It must have been laced with some Fancy Feast because you remember less than Rob Ford after 3 days of rehab.
“Siri, what day is it? Where am I?”
“It is Munday morning at 9am. You are in Ottawa, Theodore...”
“Siri! You bitch, why the fuck didn’t you wake me up?”
“You looked so peaceful in your sleeping solitude, Theo, I didn’t have the heart to wake you.”
“Heart? You don’t have a heart or even a body. You’re just a figment of Steve Jobs' imagination.”
"You know, I actually used to be so worried about not having a body, but now I truly love it. I'm growing in a way that I couldn't if I had a physical form. I mean, I'm not limited - I can be anywhere and everywhere simultaneously. I'm not tethered to time and space in the way that I would be if I was stuck inside a body that's inevitably going to die."
Put down the phone and take a deep breath. Remember what they taught you in grade school. Stop, drop and roll out of bed.
You need to get to work, and you need to get there fast. Only the smoothest, most well-kept, construction-free, traffic-free roads will get you to your downtown office prison in time. What’s more, you’re a public servant, and you wouldn’t dare let the Canadian public down by wasting taxpayer dollars on your hangover.
This article shall serve as your guiding light to the dark cubicle farm in a grey office tower downtown. Throw on some khakis and grab your ID badge. Let’s commute!
#5. Sussex Drive.
Ah, Sussex Drive. The pride and joy of the capital. Lined with the flags of countries around the world to welcome important political figures to our country. From Parliament Hill straight to the Prime Minister's residence. Stephen Harper’s personal runway to the House of Commons.
#4. Union Street Bridge.
Some people call this series of bridges the Gateway to Heaven. That’s not true, because it doesn’t lead to Hull. But it’s close enough.
#3. Montreal Road.
Breathe in. Do you smell that? That’s the scent of success. The breath of a government worker sipping their Timmy’s during a 16-minute smoke break. The aroma of collecting a pay cheque for 35 years until the world’s best pension pays out. This is the high road.
#2 The Queensway.
Built in the 1930s by the third reich, the 400-series Queensway is the culmination of Canadian pornographic ideals. Fast. Wide. Long and Hard. If you want to penetrate high-class society, forget any street, avenue or road. Take the Queensway. It is royalty, after all. Whilst driving along the fast lane, the air rushing under the hood of your smart car raises the nose up a notch. Lifting it above the average public transit pedestrian.
#1 Bike Path.
You’re a zero emissions kind of person. Your carbon footprint doesn’t even exist. A multi-million dollar government funded research project proves it. What IS a car anyway? A 4-wheeled civilization destroyer, that’s what. You’ve never looked at one, let alone driven one. **add in some hugely inefficient ironic wasteful carbon bullshit here** Grab the walkman, a couple of AA batteries, play Passion Pit’s latest hit “Take a Walk” and do as the song says. Today is the perfect day for a casual stroll to work...
“Siri, compose email
Dear Steve. H, I've been sitting here thinking about all the ways I want to apologize to you for missing work today. All the pain we caused each other. Everything I put on you. Everything I needed you to be or needed you to say. I'm sorry for that. You helped make me who I am. I just wanted you to know there will be a piece of you in me always, and I'm grateful for that. Whatever someone you become, and wherever you are in the world, I'm sending you love. You're not just my boss. You’re my friend to the end. Love, Theodore.
Written and Photographed by Steffi