Today I woke up more motivated than Rob Ford after a bowl of Cocoa Pebbles. Like good ol’ Rob, I like to start my day with three (legal) drugs: Nicotine, Caffeine and Alcohol. And, after a wild weekend at the bi-weekly yarn knit-off in Barrhaven, I was out of all three. So I sauntered over to the pharmacy to get smokes.
Shoppers Drug Mart was closed. That’s odd... Alright, fine, I thought, I’ll just put twice as much Prince Igor’s vodka in my coffee than I normally do on Mondays. The local, fair-trade, organic Coffee Shoppe was also closed. What gives? Oh well, the LCBO is always open. The only thing that could close a government run alcohol monopoly would be an apocalypse.
The LCBO was closed too! What in the sweet fuck was going on?! The roads were empty, not a single commuter in site. Seems like the Mayans were right after all...
As I sulked my way home on my Segway, Siri piped up, “Are you enjoying the Labour Day holiday today, Theodore?”
“What the FUCK is ‘Labour day’ Siri?”
“On the first Monday in September, Communists celebrate being lazy.”
“Siri, you are full of shit, communism died in the 80s with Pepsi Clear.”
No smokes, no coffee, no liquor and no will to live. There are only three things in this world that could cheer me up more than ‘Class A Narcotics’: Ice Cream, Beaches and Bikinis. So I did what any pregnant woman would do, I went to the 24 hour grocery to get some ice cream. It was closed too! Fuck it. I'm going to the beach
Labour day must have confused itself with Festivus, because Santa was smiling down upon me when I arrived at the beach. A swimsuit model was doing something that you lazy pinkos could use a lesson on. She was working!
I asked her if we could document this unheard of labour day activity. She said no. So I geared up with my camera, tripod, safety vest, hard hat, steel toed boots, dish gloves, dish soap, sunscreen, sling bikini and dove head first into the water to see what it was like to work on labour day.
Following the bikini clad, sultry, sassy, salt and peppery model for half an hour was the hardest work I’ve ever done in my life.
I’ll be taking stress leave for the next three months.
Written, Filmed and Photographed by Steffi
A big wet thank you to Krystel Belle for putting up with us following her around all afternoon. You can find out more about her here.