Have you ever been so infatuated with a television character that your entire life became a vessel of aspiration to that character’s greatness? When I was young, that man was Oprah. But then, a short, slow-witted stocky, bald man appeared on TV. No, I am not talking about Barbra Walters. I am talking about a true legend of our time: George Costanza.
In the Seinfeld episode, The Bizarro Jerry, George stumbles into an alternate dimension. A place filled with gorgeous high society models in a meatpacking plant cum upscale exclusive jet set club in New York City.
To get into the forbidden world, George uses a secret key, a photo of Jerry’s girlfriend ‘Manhands,’ and a story to go along with it -- his dead fiancée.
At the end of the episode, George brings Jerry to the phantasmagorical club. But it doesn’t exist. It’s just a filthy meatpacking plant. We’re left wondering if this was a real place or a fantasy land George fictitiously created to impress his friends.
Nothing is more important to me than impressing my Facebook friends, Tinder matches, Instagram fans, Twitter followers and Grindr grindees. So I got to thinking… Could there be an alternate universe like this in Ottawa? And if I conned my way into this phantasmagorical world, could it springboard me to stratospheric social media fame?
Like Martin Luther King, I had a dream, a dream of getting dozens of fresh Facebook likes and hip, hot, cool new friends. So with clippings from Tiger Beat, Cosmo, Out, Pink Triangle, Oprah Weekly, Martha Monthly, Ford Nation, The Chrétien Chronicle, Kardashian Hourly, Teddy Bear Times, Mules and More, Goat Meat News, Phantasmagorical Friday, The Seinfeldian, Lex Magazine and a story about my dead fiancée, I wandered into the basement of a local church on Kent Street. My wildest dreams were about to come true.
Welcome to The Bizarro Ottawa.
A few of the bow tie models came over to my place afterwards and yadda yadda yadda, I’m really tired today.
Written and Photographed by Steffi
For those of you who are curious. This was a real event in Ottawa and it was completely surreal. Find out more about it here.